Time for Endings: Interview #3 (The Final Cut)

It's good to see you again.
I'd bet you say that to everyone.

But I always mean it.
I'm sure you do. What's on your mind this time?

I thought we'd discuss your latest project.
That's it?

We'll see. You know I like to wander.
Fair enough.

It appears that you're finished with the project. Am I right?
I think you are. I always qualify that, though, since I've been known to change my mind.

Why are you ending it? You wrote only five "endings."
Well, how many endings does a person really need? They can't go on forever.

I couldn't help noticing that the final two pieces involve beds. Was that intentional?
Do you want it to be intentional?

I have no preference. I just thought it was an interesting prop.
Prop? Why a prop? It's more of a location. You ever experienced insomnia?

As a rule, no. Why?
If you ever do, the experts will tell you that the only things you should do is bed is sleep and have sex. Everything else should be done someplace else.

That makes sense, I suppose.
No, it doesn't. We can't dismiss how much time we spend in bed--not just for sleeping and sex, but for so much else. Most of us are born in a bed, and perhaps most of us will die in one, if we're lucky. Beds are great places for conversations. We generally feel safe there, and it's a fine place to ponder what we need to do on any particular day. And depending on when we're in bed, we can feel safe and protected, or we can be quite vulnerable.

I see. So, do you think using the bed as a location in two different stories was intentional?
You're often annoyingly persistent.

It's my job. It's what I do.
Then I'd say that, no, it was not intentional. I probably didn't even realize it until you brought it up.

You don't read them when you're done?
Generally, no. That's why you might find typos.

In "Ending #2" you have a family that seems to be in some kind of trouble. What prompted that story?
Nothing prompted it. I just typed the first line, and the rest took care of itself. These pieces are not long enough to require any planning.

The family--or the parents, at least--appear nervous about returning to their home.
They are.

Why?
I don't know. I wrote only the ending, not the rest of the story.

I think readers might need a bit more information, some background.
I told you before that I don't have any readers.

And the father in that one. He and his children have witnessed their cabin--or a cabin--burning. Yet you never say why it burned, or why the son has only one shoe.
No, I don't. You're more than welcome to fill in the rest of the story on your own. You've got an imagination, so you should write your own version of the story. Have some fun with it.

Also, I didn't find much happiness in any of the stories.
I think one of them has some happiness--the fourth one if I remember correctly.

Readers...
...which I don't have.

...might be put off by the sense of bleakness in the works.
Perhaps all of the happiness takes place before the endings. Besides, life isn't always peaches and cream, is it?

No. But I think if people are unhappy in their own lives, or even in parts of their lives, they're not going to want to read something that takes them even further down.
I'm not trying to take anyone anywhere. These are works of fiction. You know that, right? It's all pretend. The works are not about me or my experiences; they're just a bunch of words strung loosely together, and they have no meaning beyond what they are.

I think I understand what you're saying. Is there anything else you'd like to tell me, or to tell anyone.
Ummm... No. But you realize that you and I are just pretend, too, right?

So, this is fiction, as well?
Damned right it is.

Time for Endings: Interview #2

It's good to see you again.
Why?

It just is.
Okay. I'll accept that.

When we left off last time, we were talking about why you write.
I've decided not to answer that. It's an unanswerable question.

I don't agree.
It doesn't matter.

Okay. I'll accept that.
Nobody likes a smartass.

Let's move on, then. What do you hope to accomplish with this project?
I believe that I told you before that I have no expectations. I also have no hope.

Perhaps you're simply trying to find a way to be creative.
That could very well be. I like that answer.

And if you don't have any readers, why even write?
That sounds suspiciously similar to asking why I write. You're clever!

But don't you want readers?
[sighs] I suppose I do. At some level, anyway. But when I go fishing, I don't have to catch a fish to be happy. Sometimes standing in the river is enough.

But catching a fish feels good, right?
It does. But the older I get, the more I identify with the fish. All they want to do is live, eat, procreate, and die in perfect water. That seems like a perfect way to live one's life.

I have to say that you seem especially morose this evening.
Morose? No. I like to describe myself as a practical realist.

Maybe that's why you're focusing on endings--they seem more real than beginnings.
So, it's an age-thing?

Could be. As we get older, we see fewer beginnings. Or, we've seen enough to...
...make us happy?

I was going to say "make us understand that how we end is as important as how we begin."
Where do you come up with this drivel?

You're mood is contagious.
You're wrong about my mood. Perhaps your the one who is feeling morose. And I don't like how this is going, by the way. I don't need therapy.

Do you think that's what this is?
You sound like a therapist. You don't have much time left; ask me relevant questions.

Okay. Do you like to write?
Mostly, yes. Mostly I feel as though I have no choice, however.

Like you're driven to write?
You could say... Oh! Wait! You circled right back to the question about why I write, didn't you! You're good!

Have you ever thought that you might have readers at some point, and that those readers will want to know your motivation?
I've thought no such thing.

Let's get back to your project. How would readers know they're reading fiction?
I'll tell them.

You'll tell them?
Yes. 

Oh--I remember you wrote something about that in your introduction to the project. You'll use "end" or something like that.
Yes. Somewhere at the start or the end of the piece.

So, it'll be obvious.
Yes.

What if the readers don't get the hint?
Frankly, in the end, what does it matter?

Time for Endings: Introduction and Interview #1

That is, it's time for fictional endings. If there were readers here, this is what they'd find out tonight.

The next fiction project here will be endings; maybe we'll even call them epilogues, which sounds more literary and sophisticated. The idea? Oh, it came to me on a bike ride, which is a good place for ideas to find me. They'll be labeled as fiction, of course, and I figure they'll be short enough endings to consume in one sitting. Somewhere in the start or the finish, the verb "end" will be conjugated in some form or another (or perhaps in its infinitive), or there'll be an adjective form of the word. Here's a short interview about the project that I recently took part in.

Why endings?  
Good question! Feel free to ask questions. I like it when you ask questions.

Why not write something profound?
At heart, I'm not a profound person; I've probably never had a profound thought. I blame this on all of the Top 40 music I listened to as a kid, before I discovered the serious stuff. Some things a person just can't go back and fix.

Have you ever written beginnings?
Oh, I've written many! Here's one of my favorites: "I knew the nature of my marriage had changed when I walked into the house and found that my wife had packed her clothes, killed the cat, and moved out of my life. " Ha ha! Isn't that a nice way to start a book? 

Did your wife really kill a cat?
No. It's a work of fiction, entitled The Golfer's Wife. It was a fun book to write. My wife would never kill a cat even if she packed her clothes and moved out of my life.

Have you written other books?
Yes. I have completed three novels, none of which is particularly good.

Do those books have endings?
Yes, they do. Didn't I just say that I've completed three novels? Your questions are starting to annoy me.

Will all of the endings be happy?
That's a trick question, isn't it! This isn't a massage parlor! Ha ha!

Why is that a trick question?
I'm not going to fall into that trap. 

Did The Golfer's Wife have a happy ending?
At some level, yes--the ending was happy.

That's an ambiguous answer. Would you care to expound?
It's the only answer I've got. I don't write to make people happy, if that's what you're looking for.

Why would people want to read endings that are not happy?
What is this--an inquisition?

Perhaps people want to escape their own misery and find joy in literature. 
Yes, perhaps they do.

Will your endings contain autobiographic information?
No. But they might.

That's not a clear answer.
Maybe everything, at some level, is autobiographical. Clear enough?

Let's move on. Can you expect people to figure out what happened before the ending?
I have no expectations.

But don't you think your readers need help connecting ideas?
I have no readers. You think anyone actually knows about this?

Still, the point is...
I know what the point is. You're wondering if people have to know the whole story before they can accept the ending, before they can comprehend it. Right?

Close enough. People have trouble with ambiguity.
Do you think I don't know that? Many people, they don't just have trouble with it; they start drooling uncontrollably if they can't come down solidly on one side or another. Let's face it: If we can be dogmatic, it's a lot easier to convince ourselves that we're right. That's why we hang out with people who agree with us, so we don't have to face ambiguity or the fact that our beliefs might be based on total bullshit. It's a lot harder to live--to function in life--if things are ambiguous.

No reason to be crude. Or mean.
I apologize. I've got a lot of my mind, so I'm taking things a bit personally.

I think we're getting away from the point of this interview.
You're asking the questions. If you don't like the answers, ask better questions.

That sounds like something Don Draper says in Mad Men.
Yeah? Well, he's a smart guy.

He's fictional, you know.
Look: I'm often more impressed by the intelligence of fictional characters than I am by real people.

Just a couple more questions...
Good. I'm getting sleepy.

Has anyone asked you why you write in the first place?
Not that I can remember. Maybe a better question is, Why doesn't everyone write?

You're not asking the questions.
I should be. 

Let me ask, then: Why do you write?
In the first place?

In any place.
That's a good question; I can see that now. We'll start there the next time we meet.


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Thinking Through Winter

I have a strong affection for winter, for its short days and low sun. I do not like the Central California summer, which is relentless.

During the week this time of year, I am at the office well before sunrise. The building is quiet, and if the lights are still on from the day before, I switch off all that I can before sitting in my cubicle.

A couple of weeks ago I spent two nights in a tent in Yosemite Valley's Camp 4. I set my tent on the snow, rigged up a warm mattress constructed of an old sleeping bag and a leaky Thermarest. For a couple of days I hiked around the Valley and enjoyed fresh air, tired legs, and the post-Christmas respite from all things ordinary. I got to see a wild bobcat for the first time, as well as a healthy coyote and several deer. The last time I was in Yosemite was in September, when I sometimes enjoyed a strenuous backpacking trip that, a few days in, found me unable to either eat or sleep enough to maintain a normal level of energy.

The day before yesterday I drove up to the mountains and spent several hours of skiing in the backcountry. I encountered nobody, and I had the trees to myself. At several points I stopped to enjoy the falling snow. 

For about the last month I have had my evenings and weekends to do pretty much as I please: no classes to teach or take, no students to call, no papers to grade. In a couple of weeks I once again start teaching: two nights a week, two hours a night. I am trying to gird my mental self for the increased activity, but the thought of 30 students staring up from their seats causes me no small amount of anxiety.

I will also be taking a guitar class, basically the same course I took last semester but am allowed to repeat at least a few times. I am not a good guitar player, nor will I ever be. But I am better than I once was, and being a student again will help me (I hope) be a better teacher. Many of my students are afraid of writing, really, just as I am afraid of playing my guitar in class. I am hopeful that I am developing a bit of empathy for those who truly do fear having to write. For one Christmas when I was a kid, I asked for a guitar, and what showed up on Christmas morning was a cheap plastic thing that I treasured. Mike, an older neighbor who would end up having quite the dark side, once offered to sell me his electric guitar for $100. I balked, one of many decisions that I have regretted. If I'd started playing then, even with this fat, meaty hands I'd be a much better player than I am.

For Christmas this year I asked for and received a box of Blackwing 602 pencils and a new Rhodia notebook, requests that befuddled more than one person. With these pencils and in this notebook I have begun writing the newest tome (mentioned in in a not-so-old blog post), an exercise in futility and creativity that I'm hopeful to make habitual.

I have told my students for many years that they, too, must practice their writing, that it will get easier and they will get better if they just stick with it, no matter how fat and meaty their hands are.

Perchance to Dream

At about 4:45 this morning, I woke up with this running through my head: My sleep has been troubled as of late. No, really: That sentence was in my fat head.

It's true, of course, though the troubles are not due to insomnia as usual, but to fairly odd, if not thematically and logistically consistent dreams: I am usually out in the mountains somewhere, and I am hiking alone. I am always lost, yet I always see but do not encounter friends and co-workers, though many of those people I have not encountered in many years. In each of these dreams I seem to be searching for something, but there are always physical barriers to my progress--a mountain, a canyon, a river. My wife says that perhaps something is missing from my life, and though I could speculate as to what, I'm not perceptive enough to speculate with confidence.

When I was a kid, and maybe I mentioned at some other point in this blog, I would wake up in the morning not just talking in my sleep, but actually writing books verbally. Talking aloud and writing books--go figure!

Not long ago I actually did start a new book, and it felt good to be writing something again. I am fairly void of original ideas these days, at least where fiction is concerned, so I'll take anything. Here's the first sentence of the new book:

I was once very fat.

There's more after that--several hundred words, in fact, but they're not ready for display quite yet. I wonder what dreams may come tonight.

Ay, there's the rub....

Call and Response: Viewpoints in 100 Words (#7)

She didn't know because she'd never asked. At least, not until she found me in the garage. "What are you doing, Steve?" she said. She was dressed for bed; the strap of her nightgown hung down over her left shoulder. She looked nice with her eyes sleepy like that. "Is that your dad's gun?" I looked at her. "Yes," I said. She frowned. "The same one?" We both knew the answer to that. "What are you doing with it, Steve?" I wanted to be silent, noncommittal. "Why would you, Steve?" I looked at her. "I'm not my father!" I yelled.

_____

I shut the door and ran into the bedroom and picked up the phone. I wasn't sure of who to call, though. Nothing had happened, and he doesn't have any family. I got my bathrobe and went outside so I could look through the garage window. He just sat there, his back against the car. I still had the phone. Then he got up, put the gun away, and started back into the house. I ran inside and climbed into bed. "You're wearing your robe," he said when he lay next to me. I clutched the phone and stayed silent.

Slice and Dice

Out riding my bike fairly recently, I let the gears and chain make noise, and I let my mind wander. It's funny how that wandering can go in so many directions from one gear change to another. Click-click and there's a change. This time I wandered into writing; specifically, I wandered into a novel I've been looking on for much too long (writing, not reading). 

There's a certain segment early on that has always troubled me because it takes too long getting to where it needs to go. I've tinkered with it a bit, and then the night of the ride I found the answer: cut it out like some benign tumor. So, I did: I sliced just over a one-thousand words, stitched some things back together, and sent the book into recovery. It was a good thing.

Then, over this last weekend while far from home and without external distractions, I started again, this time cutting more bits out, fixing many typos, making some things make sense. I've not had such an extended time for such stuff in a long time, and I felt fortunate. I've looked at this book many times, and I'm still amazed (and frustrated) at how many things need to get fixed. And this time, I even realized I need to add a new, minor character to take some burden off another, less-minor character. It's like an implant, and augmentation, which isn't a bad thing. 

I hope to finish this final revision sometime soon, but then I have to decide on what to do with it. The tome isn't necessarily literature, but it's as good as some of the pop fiction I've read. What the book and I need is someone to take a look at it--someone who's not a good friend or a family member; someone who'll notice the the flaws and tell me about them. But, that's not likely to happen. Rather, it'll go back under the floorboards again, its heart beating while I try to sleep.

Always Scribble, Scribble, eh?

Many, many years ago, I was 3 days away from starting my first professional gig, out of college for a year and fleeing the Round Table Pizza nest. I was, in fact, leaving sedate and predictable Sacramento for energetic and dynamic San Francisco, where I would work for just over 4 years before (now regretfully) returning to that same city of sedation and predictability. It was the best job I ever quit, and I have to count it as among my major mistakes. As someone whose mistakes continue to accrue and are seldom minor, this says much.

I spent the first year in San Francisco trying to figure out what, exactly, a corporate technical writer was supposed to do. One of the first things I learned was that such a writer had to learn to endure with corporate reorganizations, one of which took me away from the woman who'd hired me and into a group of people who knew less about what to do with me than I did. The second year, though--things changed! I applied for a job with a different group, got hired, and ended up working with some excellent people and writers. My new boss turned into a wonderful mentor, the boss after him is still one of my best friends, and I learned more about writing in the following 3 years than I think I've learned since. It was an exciting time, and we were enthused about what we did. Perhaps I was just less cynical and jaded then, but I like to think that we were a group of people who thought we could write anything. I wish I had that same confidence today as I now work with writers who make me look anything but professional.

I left San Francisco for a job as a writer in a small consulting firm, and about the same time started graduate school. The job itself turned out to be terrible (or, at least, I was a terrible fit). But, one of my coworkers there turned out to be a very good friend, and he gets extra points for introducing me to the Yosemite Valley. I made other friends there, but I pretty much let them slip away. Getting laid-off from that job is one of the best things that could have happened to me for a number of reasons. Oh, it wasn't an easy time when I lost that job: My mother had been sick for awhile and would die just 5 months later, and my father would die only 3 months after that. Damn--what a year that was! The next job was at a distant Air Force base, and I stayed there longer than I should have. There was no stress at that job, but after awhile a 100-mile-per-day commute gets tiring and expensive. The next company was young and vibrant and growing, but it was soon purchased by an old, stodgy, static financial institution. And the next company after that was another fun place--lots of energy, wonderful co-workers, a dot.com enthusiasm that, unfortunately, was squelched when the company was bought by another boring, conservative corporation.

Now, for just over 2 years, I've been employed by a company that was once small but has also been bought by a larger entity. There's always a bigger fish, I guess, but I am happy now because I work with people who challenge me professionally and aren't afraid to tell me when I'm not doing something right. Actually, it's their job to tell me such things, and they are good at their jobs.

So, where does all of this come from? Partially, I suppose, it comes from thinking back to those feelings of excitement and fear that followed me on the train into San Francisco that first day so long ago. The title here was, from what I remember, spoken to Edward Gibbon after (or maybe before) he wrote The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. I'm not thinking of Gibbon's work, however. Rather, the title itself is included in a collection of sayings and quotations gathered by the writers I worked with when I started my second year in the city. (I'll have to check with Kominski, but I believe we then sold that collection, entitled Almost Human, to raise money for one thing or another.

Finally, I am not much on New Year resolutions; I'm more the type to make adjustments as I move along. But, as I remember when I first ventured into San Francisco, I also now sense impending changes in many areas of life, though for the life of me I can't imagine what they'll be.

Endings

As I try to dedicate some time to this blog-stuff at least every other day (recently motivated in part by woman I knew in graduate school and who has become quite successful), I intended tonight to sit down and continue writing about my latest trip to Europe. But, after several false and boring starts, I'm moving on to something else.

For the 2 novels I've written over the previous half a decade or so, I've discovered their respective endings relatively soon in the writing process. For This Far West, I had the final scene visualized after only about 50 pages were done, and I was able to write to it. For The Golfer's Wife (the opening paragraph of which is embedded here), I needed a bit longer to figure things out. When I was able to write short fiction many years ago while working in San Francisco, a line--often a phrase but sometimes the title--would pop into my head and then, WHAM!...the story would get done.

Now, much less creative and prolific, finding even a germ of an idea is difficult. Personally, I think too many years in corporate cubicles and sterile suburbs have played a role, and more than ever I think I should live in either a large, vibrant city or an isolated, quiet forest. Suburbia is to life as agnosticism is to religion.

But, to the point. I can generally tell when something I've written is done or not. Example: The screenplay that's stuck inside this computer is not done, but while I know most of the ending, I can't seem to figure out how to get those final 15 pages written. It may never be finished in a literary sense, though it might someday have a beginning, a middle, and a conclusion.

Things We Couldn't Say Yesterday, which ended here, was fun. In the world I gave them, though, the characters had done as much as they could; actually sitting down and planning their lives and the storyline might have helped things move on further.

So, what do do next? Void of fresh ideas, doing some rewriting might be a viable outlet. Take the screenplay: Actually printing it out and then working with the characters and plot might help me figure out how to both get to the ending and then create it. The novels, too, need some attention and, I'm sure, feel neglected. The Golfer's Wife especially requires work since it never got developed much beyond a complete first draft.

Perhaps I should see if I can find a printer tomorrow.

Practice

Writing poetry and being alone not only require practice, they also require that certain willing suspension of disbelief: Fictions have to be accepted for what they are. Writers of all ilks struggle with both--writing poetry requires such precision that it is easily abandoned, while solitude requires confrontations with demons and angels alike.

Being alone is the easier of the two when one gets beyond the initial realization that nobody's around to help. Writing poetry? One of the hardest things to do well. I have known many very good poets, and I continue to admire how they can be so precise, how their works can be multi-level structures built in just the right way.

And I am always looking for new poets, though this task is not easy. Visiting City Lights and Green Apple Books in San Francisco can be of great use, but I think I am now a greater fan of Powell's Books in Portland, where stacks and stacks of new and old collections of poetry are waiting for good homes. On my recent trip to the bookstore I selected two books: Ted Kooser's collected poems Flying at Night, and W.S Merwin's The Shadow of Sirius. Both have remained in the darkness of my knapsack for a few days. Merwin is less direct and often challenging; Kooser uses language accessible to anyone. Reading from Merwin's book, I am reminded of reading Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury, Woolf's To the Lighthouse, and Morrison's Beloved--books that require a suspension of disbelief and a particular relaxation of the mind to be enjoyed.

Here's one from Merwin:

Rain Light

All day the stars watch from long ago
my mother said I am going now
when you are alone you will be all right
whether or not you know you will know
look at the old house in the dawn rain
all the flowers are forms of water
the sun reminds them through a white cloud
touches the patchwork spread on the hill
the washed colors of the afterlife
that lived there long before you were born
see how they wake without a question
even though the whole world is burning

And one from Kooser:

Advice

We go out of our way to get home,
getting lost in a rack of old clothing,
fainting in stairwells,
our pulses fluttering like moths.
We will always be
leaving our loves like old stoves
in abandoned apartments. Early in life
there are signals of how it will be--
we throw up the window one spring
and the window weights break from their ropes
and fall deep in the wall.

Of course, I'm no literary critic, and I don't know enough about poetry to discuss either of these intelligently (Shawn at These Rivers is one to follow, however). It's just nice to once again find poetry that I think is "good."

Warm Whiskey in a Cold Ditch: #25

I was afraid when the train slowed. We had endured so many false starts, so much false hope, to be dramatic, that I was sure we were preparing for another delay. When the conductor announced that Helper was just 30 minutes away, I heard many people shout even though most of us had many hours left before we reached our respective destinations.

"I'm going back to my seat," I said as Steven, Margie, and my father remained in their seats in the observation car.

My father wrapped his long fingers around my forearm and looked into me. "Don't get lost, okay?"

"It's not that far, Dad," I said.

I opened the Rhodia again and flipped through the pages to where I'd written my entry. I underlined the names of the brothers. I even wondered where they were, if they even remembered that night when they had me pinned down in that pup-tent. I considered tearing the page out of the notebook but instead found another blank page on the backside of what looked like Ophelia's last entry. I wrote this.

History

When I was ten years old I jumped from a low tree branch and felt something sharp go deep into my foot. I'd landed on a board hidden by some leaves, and a long nail went up through the sole of my PF Flyer. I lifted my foot up and the board came with it. I was in the woods not far from our house, and there was nobody to help so I put foot down, stepped on the board with my other shoe, and lifted up with my leg until the nail was pulled clear. I sat down, pulled off my shoe and sock, and saw that there was no blood. I limped home but never told anyone about it, but I was scared for weeks that I would get the lockjaw we'd heard so much about and come to fear. This wasn't long after Luke and John, and for some reason afterward--after not getting lockjaw or going to hell because of what those brothers did--I began believing in a lot less than I once had.

There is something about the desert I've come to need. Maybe it's simply the open space. Once Peggy and I drove every paved road in Nevada, and even hundreds of miles away from anyone or anything we'd find cinder-block homes and double-wide travels where people lived. Peggy didn't understand such voluntary isolation, and I tried to explain it wasn't any more voluntary than living in a city or a suburb. People need things, I said, and those things are always abnormal to those looking in from the outside. Besides, "normal" has a way of changing over time, doesn't it?

I hope Uncle Frank and Aunt Harriett are buried well. They've had to endure this trip too, I suppose. And I wish that Cousin Mark could bury his grief when he buries his parents. Grief, though, doesn't really start until someone's in the ground.

"Helper," the conductor announced as the train jerked and got slower, then jerked again. I got out of my seat, looked at the Rhodia, bent the corner of my two pages as a kind of marker, and stuffed the notebook into my sister's small duffel. When we'd boarded the train, Margie had insisted that we keep our luggage together so that we'd all be able to find it. I don't know why I left the Rhodia--maybe I hoped they would read it. I grabbed my own bag, walked down the steps to the car's lower deck, and waited for the doors to open. Waiting for that final stop, I thought of all the things I should've told someone, and I even wished my mother had been there. When the doors opened, I stepped outside into the cold desert air and stepped back away from the train. Only two other people got off. When the doors shut again and the train started forward, I looked through the observation car's windows and saw my family sitting there. They looked happy. My father seemed to press his forehead to the glass like he was looking for something, and maybe he saw me there. When the train was gone I crossed the tracks and walked to the bowling alley. The doors were locked. Wind worked its way through town, and I crouched in the doorway out of the wind. Sunrise wasn't far away, and I sat on the cold concrete and watched part of the sky turn pink. I knew again that something was about to happen.

- finis -

Warm Whiskey in a Cold Ditch: #24

Steven lurched forward with the train. He'd slept through the conductor's announcement that we would be moving. When we shared a room as kids, my brother would often spring up in his bed and yell. He'd even once whistled so loudly that our dog whistled back. My anxieties have always followed me when I've been awake, but as relaxed as he seems during the day, Steven at night he has always been restless. Now he just relaxed into his seat, into the rhythm of the train.

"It's hot," Steven said.

"I know," I told him.

"We're finally moving."

"We've 'finally been moving' a dozen times since Grand Junction, Steven. I'm not feeling hopeful."

"You're never hopeful."

That wasn't true--I had just come to hope for different things. "The people in the next car seem to be celebrating."

"We all should be celebrating. I'm going to go find Dad and Margie."

I told myself that the relief I felt when he was gone was because I was glad the train was moving, but I knew that was only half true. If Peggy had been sitting beside me instead of Steven, she would have touched my shoulder with her small hand and said she was going to leave me alone for awhile.

The train picked up some speed, and for the first time in many hours I believed we were done waiting. I had once read that passenger trains are limited to 79 miles an hour, though I could not remember why. The train rocked as though it were moving at least that fast. I found the Rhodia and Margie's pen, and opened the notebook to a full blank page. I knew that something would be happening soon, so I wrote.

For Ophelia

I am tired of this notebook. I wish I knew who you are, Ophelia--or were. You seem lonely, and I want to tell you that there are good reasons to feel lonely, but that you will be fine. We have been stuck on this train and in this desert for much too long. I can see how a man could spend 40 days in a desert and go crazy. Or, 40 days on a mountain and come down believing he'd talked with God. Maybe the time in Winnemucca with Susan was enough to put me over the edge.

I feel that I should thank Uncle Frank and Aunt Harriet for getting the family together for this trip. I haven't spoken with Margie, Steven, and Dad this much for a long time, and I realized how much I have missed them. They are good, patient people. If Mom had come along, I would've asked her and Dad about Dr. Fay, about what she might have told them after all those visits. I don't think it was fair of them to make Steven talk to Dr. Fay. I'm sorry he had to do that.

My first wife, Peggy, was a good woman. No, she is a good woman. She's the one person I think about every day even though we've been apart for so long. But everyone has that one person--and not always the person they end up with. The boy or girl in high school, the first person we think we love, maybe. Steven once confessed that the girl he dated just one time in high school was probably the person he had always loved the most--more than his wife, in some ways. "Maybe it's false love," Steven had said. "Something that never quite gets completed, you know?"

I wonder what Peggy would write now if she had this notebook. I wonder what Susan and Ellen would write, too. When Dr. Fay had me write my thoughts down between our visits, she always seemed disappointed when I wrote nearly nothing. I'd scribble something like "it snowed today." Maybe I should give a page to everyone in my family and have them describe lifetimes together just to see how the plot unfolds.

One thing I never told Dr. Fay about was what happened between me and the neighbor kids one night. Luke and John--the names seem ironic now--were a couple of brothers a years older than me. They'd been raised in Missouri or some place where rules are different, and one humid night when we were camping out in a small pup-tent in their back yard, I woke up with one of their hands over my mouth and another hand somewhere else. If I'd written that down for Dr. Fay, she might have been ecstatic. But that was a long time ago, and sometimes I am not sure that I remember everything right. The next morning Luke and John acted as though nothing happened, and so did I because I couldn't be sure.

The train must be up to 79 miles an hour now. My father is waving me up to the front of the car where he stands with Steven, Margie, and cousin Mark. My father mimes that he's eating, and I realize that I'm quite hungry.

We ate some snacks in the observation car, and everyone seemed happy. We were all happy to be moving. We would soon be stopping in Helper, the conductor announced, and I was happy about that, too.

Warm Whiskey in a Cold Ditch: #23

One winter afternoon Dr. Fay asked me what I imagined myself being as an adult. "Do you ever think about it?" she asked.

"I'm not sure," I said. And, frankly, I hadn't imagined much for myself. The previous few weeks had been gray and snowy, and since we'd had so many days off of school I had spent most of my time outside. During some light snow flurries one afternoon I hid my .BB gun beneath my heavy coat and walked Sam, our half-blind mutt, into the middle of the nearby cornfield where the short stalks were mostly hidden by drifts. In one bare patch Sam flushed a pheasant, and I shouldered my .BB gun, shot, and I watched as the .BB itself curved to the right many yards behind the bird's tail feathers. Before then I had not fired a gun at anything in motion, and I had not yet learned the art of leading the target. Even sitting on the train today I can smell the cold air of that day and see Sam silhouetted against the snow as he bounced through the snow in pursuit of the pheasant, as I cocked the gun and hoped for another shot.

"What would you like to do when you grow up?" Dr. Fay continued.

"I really don't know," I said. My sister had known early that she wanted to be a doctor, and my brother was sure that he would be a professional baseball player. I had always been impressed with how sales clerks worked cash registers, though I didn't think that Dr. Fay would've accepted that I wanted to be a sales clerk.

"Well, that's okay," she said. "How is school going?"

This was easy. "It's nice having so many snow-days," I said.

"What have you been doing every day that you're home?"

"Going outside, mostly. I like to be outside when things are quiet and covered up like they are during the winter."

"A lot of people spend their entire lives outside," Dr. Fay said.

"That sounds good to me," I said. "But why do you keep talking about what I want to be when I grow up, or what I can do?"

She smiled. "I'm just trying to find out what interests you."

"Being outside, then," I told her. "I'd like to be outside most of the time." This was true enough, but I also hoped it would put the doctor off the scent. I could look through the window beyond Dr. Fay's right shoulder and see that the snow was falling again--full, thick flakes. This meant that Steven and I would have to shovel the driveway and sidewalks clear that afternoon, but we had developed a system that got us done quickly and would give us time for something else afterward.

"I want to ask you something else," Dr. Fay said in a tone that made me realize she wanted me back from the distractions on the other side of the glass.

"Okay," I said. And I knew she was serious because of how she lisped each "s" in the statement.

"Do you think it's worthwhile, coming here and talking to me?"

This seemed like a trap, and once again I was caught wondering what she wanted me to say. "I don't mind it," I said, which was true enough. But she wasn't giving up as easily as she usually did.

"I want you to not just 'mind it'; I want you to think it's helpful for you." She was firm.

As much as I wanted to look at the falling snow, I refused the urge and instead looked directly at her. Years later, Peggy would speak to me in much the same way when I sounded unsure or even fearful. "I think it's helpful," I said. "I like talking with you. I'm just never sure of what I'm supposed to say."

She softened. "You aren't supposed to say anything. I just don't want you to be afraid of our conversations. I'm not trying to hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable."

"You don't hurt me," I said, but I could not commit to feeling comfortable.

As my father and I drove home later, I looked through the window of his Ford Falcon and felt the vibration of snow tires on the packed snow. The snow was still falling, and as we passed the field where Sam and I had encountered, the pheasant, I noticed that the cornstalks were now completely covered. The snow was still falling, and as we turned down the street we lived on, Steven was already outside shoveling.

"Your brother's crazy for not waiting for you to get home," my father said as the rear wheels momentarily lost traction on the slight slope of our driveway. Steven opened the garage door for so my father could park the Falcon, and when I got out of the car my brother handed me a shovel.

"Let me get my boots on," I said. We cleared the sidewalk and driveway quickly, and we rested for a minute to catch our breath and admire our work. When I looked to the house, I could see my parents and sister staring at us through the living room window, gesturing for us to come inside.

Warm Whiskey in a Cold Ditch: #22

Along with the train and its captive souls, Steven and I continued to sit. I leaned my forehead into the window glass and wished I had my brother's patience, his ability to accept circumstances. He seldom seemed flustered, something he said had helped him in a corporate world where so little of the workday made sense.

But I could not be like him, and only at fishing was I superior. Our father taught us early how to slide worms and grubs onto barbed hooks, how to bobber-fish ponds and small lakes. We also learned how to remove those hooks from the palms of our own hands or our thumbs though Steven never did quite understand how to push down on the hook just enough to get the barbed tip to slide out of the skin without tearing the small wound.

One summer our father and Uncle Frank to me, Steven, and Cousin Mark to Ontario, Canada, to "fish for something other than blue gill and sunfish." Mark, who never quite accepted my brother and me, refused to sit in the back seat with us and instead settled himself between my father and uncle in the front. Steven and I were less offended than we were sad that Mark was the only one among us who did not have a brother.

Our fathers were up early--too early for us--and ready to go each morning. From our rented aluminum boat, we would drop minnows deep into the lake as we fished for walleye before lunchtime, then stop on an island where my father uncle cooked whatever fish we caught. In the afternoon we got back onto the water and switched to lures. Casting was often problematic with five people in the boat, but when we returned to our cabin each evening we had stringers full of northern pike and, on one day, a couple of muskie. I was proud that as we cast with our open-face reels, Steven was always more prone to getting snags in his fishing line, usually whenever a fish hit is lure--the fish would be gone as soon as the line went slack. I got to where I could cast the lure in a perfect arc and then drop my thumb onto the line at just the right moment so that the lure stopped within feet of floating logs or a stand of reeds. After two days, the boat was less crowded because Cousin Mark decided to stay in the cabin so he could read one of the many books he had packed. Later when we asked our father about this, he said that Mark was the type of person who would rather read about life than live it.

"How did you like the fishing trip?" Dr. Fay asked me one snowy afternoon not long after I started seeing her.

"It was fun," I told her. "I'd like to do it again."

"What did you enjoy about it?"

I shrugged. "Everything. Being away with my dad and my brother. Being outside."

"I talked to your dad about the trip. He wasn't sure if you liked it."

"Why would he say that?"

"He said that you never talk about it."

"I talk about it with Steven."

Again, I didn't know what she--or my father--expected of me. I stared out the window behind Dr. Fay's desk and watched the snow grow heavier. The sledding would be good, I thought.

Snow was falling outside the train window, too, though I could barely see the flakes. Steven shifted in his seat, and the way he sighed I could tell that he, too, was finally starting to get edgy. The train had not moved for hours by that point. "Give me the notebook," he said.

"You going to read, or write?"

"Read," he said as he turned a couple of pages. "There's not much room left in here."

"Nope."

"You decide what you're going to right?"

"Who said I was going to write anything."

"Margie told you to. She gave you a pen."

"She should write something," I said. "Or Mark. He's the writer. Give the notebook to him."

"Not a chance," Steven said. "Mark's not getting his paws on this thing." He then slammed the notebook shut so loudly and suddenly that the people in the seats in front of us jumped. "I think we should mutiny," he said as he dropped the notebook on my lap and stood up.

"Where are you going?"

He looked one way up the aisle, then the other. "I need some answers. I'll be back when I find out what's going on."

Both of my knees were vibrating up and down, and I tried to calm them. I watched my brother walk away.

Warm Whiskey in a Cold Ditch: #21

A problem I had with Dr. Fay was that I could not tell her all the things I wanted to be heard. At some level she must have sensed this--an inability to confide such things as, yes, I was quite fearful of many things. I would often lead her to just far enough in one direction to make her forget about something else, recognizing early that adults search for specifics and are easily distracted by tangents. "How is school?" and "how are things at home?" were her two most common lead-ins, and I would give her a few pieces more than "fine" even when things were not fine.

Sitting alone on the motionless prison of a train, I wondered about Dr. Fay. Not long after I told my parents I would not see her again, Dr. Fay apparently got married and started a family of her own. I often felt pity for her children, for how good could childhood be if your mother is trained to always seek out problems even when there might be none? Still, I thought I might enjoy having her see me as an adult. I would ask her if I had turned out as she had expected, or if I had somehow surprised her. I squinted into the shaded window glass and put my teeth against my tongue in a week attempt to mimic her lisp.

"You sound like a god damned snake," Steven said as he plopped into the seat beside me. He thought it was funny when he startled me enough for my head to bounce off the thick glass.

"Asshole," I said. "Where have you been?"

"Talking to Cousin Mark. He's going as batty as you are right now. Says if the train doesn't move soon, he's going to, and I loosely quote, "sue the fucking wheels off of Amtrak for the mental distress of my not being able to give my parents a proper burial."

"He's a college professor," I said.

"Exactly. Not much of a legal menace, is he."

"Where are Dad and Margie?"

"Playing cards again. They won three bags of corn nuts off of Mark before he quit."

"I was thinking of Dr. Fay," I said. I put my tongue against the back of my teeth again but did not hiss.

"Did you know that I saw her a couple of times?"

"You?"

"Yep. Mom and Dad thought it'd be a good idea if someone who knew you really well talked to her."

"Shit."

"That's pretty much what I said. I tried to beg off by saying that I hardly knew you."

"Was I really that much of a head-case?"

"No more than the rest of us were, I don't think. Or are, I guess. You want to know what I told her?"

"Think it'll damage my sensitive psyche?"

"I'll risk it. I told her that I thought you just liked being alone. That you didn't hate anyone, and that you only wanted to do things in a different way. Mom and Dad were worried, so you can't blame them."

"I don't. Dad said it was mostly Mom's idea."

My brother shrugged. "Maybe. I always thought it was the other way around. Mom's always been the type to let problems solve themselves."

"I was a problem?"

"Not to me. We were all glad when Peggy came along, though. She could handle you pretty well, we thought."

He was right about that. "What about Margie--she have to see Dr. Fay, too?"

"I don't know. Divide-and-conquer sometimes works best when nobody knows what's going on."

"We need to get this train moving," I said. "I mean it." My leg was shaking and I could not stop it.

"A couple hundred people are thinking the same thing. Mark said he saw a little scuffle in the dining car. Nerves are frayed."

I wanted to say something about how I'd come to understand why an animal would chew its mouth bloody when it's trapped in a cage even when there's isn't a chance of escape, even when it knows there's no chance of escape.

"You know," Steven said as he set his hand on my vibrating knee and pushed downward, "we weren't afraid that you were crazy, but that you were determined to make yourself so. You just need to calm down, now. This will all be good."

Part of me knew he was right.

"Let me see the notebook," he said as he reclined his seat.

I handed him the Rhodia.

"You read the entire thing?"

"Not even close," I said.

"It's story time. Listen to this. Some guy named Kominski wrote it. It's part of something longer."

While he lit the candles, she took two painted masks from the wall, placing one on each of their faces. She pulled back the drapes, opened the window, and looked out at the night framing a full moon.

Together, they lifted up the television and gently pushed it out of the third floor window onto the street below.

It took a long while to hit bottom.

The crash and the following silence would stay with them like an unemployed relative--for a long time.

Without a word, they took off the masks, then each other's clothes piece by piece, letting them drop to the floor. Bathed in the moonlight, they danced together slowly, their mouths drinking the elixir of love, their hands gripping and kneading whatever was available.

He closed the Rhodia and handed it back. "I wonder what that's about."

"It's about love," I said.

"Yeah," Steven said, "but isn't everything?"

Warm Whiskey in a Cold Ditch: #20

I had treated the Rhodia like it was a a sacred text, some type of New American Standard published by Amtrak and left for the taking much like the Gideons leave their bibles in every Motel 6 I've ever slept in. But the longer the train remained motionless and the more I saw the same people, even my own family, the more I felt that the notebook was dead weight. It was part of a general sense of frustration that filled not just the random, overheard pieces of conversations but the blank spaces between them. Everyone seemed edgy.

Dead weight or not, however, I refused to part with the Rhodia. I had even touched my pen to one page when I thought I would write, but I couldn't get any more than a dot of black ink on the paper. As much as anything, I needed to find a space to sit alone--not to write, but to separate myself from the other passengers. I even envied my aunt and uncle for their dark, quiet beds. I no longer knew where my father, sister, and brother were. We had gone in different directions after our poker game, something that isn't easy to do when most of the available space is linear. Margie had fended off my half-hearted attempt to give her the notebook, though she said she would like to read it after I'd written something just to try to figure out which words were mine. Now, with pieces of tissue stuffed into my ears in an equally half-hearted attempted to keep outside noises out of my head, I opened the notebook and searched for and found one of Ophelia's writings.

Pomegranates

My parents were happy with Phil, and I probably should have kept him around. But we had been together since high school, and we had wearied of each other. Not in a bad way, I guess, but just in a regular way: we both had come to expect the other be new and surprising, and we both ended up disappointed when neither could live up to that expectation. Phil was a good man, and sometimes I miss him. I have especially missed him these last couple of months, though I am not sure he would be patient with my being sick. He was never patient, and as he continued to fail with his art, he reached a point where I knew he was also not living up to the expectations he had of himself. "I hate it," he said one afternoon. "I get the paints ready, and I end up producing garbage. And that's if I'm lucky. Sometimes I end up not painting anything."

Phil introduced me to pomegranates not long after we met. We had met near the river, and he had brought a pomegranate and a knife. "Try it," he said as he held one of the dark-red seeds to me. We sat by that river and cut our way through three pomegranates. When I washed my fingers in the bathroom sink later that night, I admired the stained fingertips I held under the water.

He was prolific when we first met. He could paint anything. Even pomegranates, and somewhere boxed in my parents' spare bedroom is a still life sketch of two pomegranates in a wooden bowl. The longer we were together, though, the less he painted. He kept an easel in his bedroom, and one night as we lay in bed, he told me he hated the thing. "When we're having sex," he said, "all I can think about is what I should be painting. And whenever I try to paint, I end up thinking about sex." I told him that he was probably not atypical for a man, but he did not see the humor.

We stopped seeing each other quite simply: we just stopped. "Have you seen Phil?" my parents would ask. No, I had not.

That was it. There seemed to be several more words on the page, but Ophelia had crossed them out with strokes of heavy ink. I closed the notebook and reclined my seat. I found myself thinking about Ellen--Miss Orange County--and how she could draw anything. I wondered if she was happy. I hoped she was. I hoped Phil was, too.

Warm Whiskey in a Cold Ditch: Installment #18

Dr. Fay, the therapist my parents sent me to see when they were prematurely concerned about my mental well being, would occasionally catch her tongue in her teeth and speak a word or two with a prolonged lisp. It wasn't until I'd seen her half a dozen times did I find the courage to look her in the eye, but I got to where I would almost hope to hear that lisp as one of my parents drove me across town to Dr. Fay's office. Something about it was alluring. Considering our family's often-precarious finances, in retrospect I should have appreciated my therapy more if only because I know now that my parents were going without something or another just so I could get the "help" they believed I needed.

"We'd like you to see someone," my mother said to me one autumn evening.

"Someone?" I said.

"Someone you might like to talk to," she said.

"Oh," I said. I thought of my friend Brian whose parents had taken him to "see someone" about the oval knob of bone on his forehead. That knob had turned out to be something bad, though in the decorum of small towns nobody ever gave me or my siblings the details. Brian left school a week later, and he and his family pretty much disappeared. "Sometimes people just grieve," my father told me, but I was too young to understand what that meant.

"It's a counselor," my mother said. "Your father and I spoke to her a few weeks ago, and she sounds very nice. "We'd like you to talk to her, too."

"Why?" I asked.

My mother bit her lower lip and squinted her left eye the way she did when she searched for answers. "She's very nice. Maybe you can tell her things that you don't want to tell anyone else."

"Like what?" This was the first time in my life when I considered that keeping things to myself was considered bad form.

Now my mother shrugged. "Things that might bother you."

"I talk to people all the time," I said. "Steven and I talk every night before we go to sleep."

She smiled. "I know. We hear the two of you. It's nice."

"Will she ask me questions?"

"Probably." Then she seemed to recognize something. "But it's not because you've done something wrong. This isn't a punishment."

Our first hour together, Dr. Fay did ask a lot of questions--about my brother and sister, mostly, but also other things that didn't seem to matter. "You like sports?" she asked.

"Not watching, but playing," I said.

"Which sports?"

"Baseball, mostly. Football's good. I'm not very good at basketball."

"Do you and Steven play together?"

I nodded. "When we can. He's smaller and younger, but he's faster and seems to know more than I do."

"He knows more about what?"

"How things work. How teams work together, too. He seems to know what's going to happen in a game before it even does."

"He sounds like a good brother." That was the first time I heard the lisp: thhhounds.

I said that he was a very good brother.

"Your parents are worried about you," Dr. Fay said.

"About what? I'm not a bad kid." I'd heard enough stories about "bad kids" to know that, mostly, I wasn't one.

"No, you're not a bad kid. And your mom and dad don't think you are. They just worry because you seem sad."

"I've told them I'm not sad." I thought about what my Uncle Frank had said once about my being quieter than a dead loon.

She changed the topic. "How's school?"

"It's fine," I said. "I've got nice teachers."

"I'm sure you do," Dr. Fay said. She let me stay silent before she said anything else, something I liked about her.

"Would you like to come back again?"

I had to wonder if this was a test of some sort. "Do I have to?" I was young enough to know that I probably did not have a choice.

"You never have to," she said. "Your mom and dad would like you to."

"What do you want?" I asked.

She seemed surprised by the question. "I'd like to talk to you some more."


On the quiet, motionless train, I wondered if the year's worth of discussions with Dr. Fay had done me any good. My parents and I had spoken very little about the visits, and they never told me why the visits stopped. For years I assumed that Dr. Fay--and probably my parents--had given up on me and pronounced me a lost cause. When I told Peggy about the therapy, she smiled.

"I think it's sweet," Peggy said. "Your parents cared enough about you to try something like that."

"I'm not convinced I needed 'something like that'," I said. I told her how I'd avoided Dr. Fay's eyes for a long time.

"You must have felt threatened," Peggy said. "Or scared."

"Maybe. But I got over it."

"What happened when you did?"

"I looked her in the eyes," I said, "and then things changed."

"How?"

"She had one blue eye and one brown eye."

"How did that change things?" Peggy asked. "So she had two different colored eyes."

I thought about it. "I just never knew which one of them to trust," I said.

Warm Whiskey in a Cold Ditch: Installment #17

“You want anything to eat?” my father asked.

I was looking through a window on the other side of the train than I had been in the observation car, but nothing seemed any different.

“I’m fine,” I said.

“Are you being polite, or are you really not hungry?

“I’m really not hungry.”

“You should go find your brother and sister,” my father said.

“I saw Margie a little while ago.”

“Hard to see how the five of us could spend so much time apart on this train,” he said.

“None of us particularly likes sitting still,” I said

He laughed. “That’s true! Used to drive your mother and me crazy when the three of you were little. Seems like we spent half our time looking for one or another of you.” He turned his head to look at me, and his voice dropped. “You were the worst, though. You know that. You never quite grew out of it.”

“Steven’s the only one of us who actually ran away from home,” I said. Which was true: he’d packed a small backpack with clothes and books, walked into the kitchen, and announced to the rest of us that he was leaving home. To their credit, my parents let him go. When he returned a couple days later, nobody said a thing.

“I guess we all run from things at some point,” my father said. “Steven just got it out of his system early.”

“Margie’s never left,” I said. “She’s pretty stable.”

“No, she never actually went anywhere. But during her freshman year of high school she threatened to leave nearly every week. She and your mother used to go at it like wildcats.”

“I don’t remember that,” I said.

“I do. Your mother would end up crying in our bedroom, and Margie would end up crying in hers. I tried talking to them both a couple of times, but they made it clear I had nothing to offer. Now they’re great friends.”

“What was it like with you and Uncle Frank?” I asked.

“Best of friends and worst of enemies,” he said. “Different than you and Steven. You two seemed more stable together. Uncle Frank and I would beat the crap out of each other in the morning, and by bedtime we were buddies again.”

“That therapist you and Mom sent me to asked me what I thought about you and Uncle Frank,” I said.

This seemed to pique his interest. “What the hell did she ask that for?”

I shrugged. “I don’t remember the details. Something about the male role models I had. I told her that Steven was my real role model, and she found that odd—that I would see my little brother like that.”

“For the record, it wasn’t my idea to send you to a therapist.”

“You blaming Mom?”

He chuckled. “Nope. I just said it wasn’t my idea. I’m not saying that I didn’t end up agreeing with it.”

“I never trusted her,” I said.

“Your mother?”

“The therapist.”

“I’m not sure I did, either.”

“She was nice enough, but I didn’t know what I was supposed to tell her.”

My father processed that idea for a moment. “I think you were supposed to tell her whatever you wanted to tell her. Your mom and I were just worried about you. For a long time we thought that we’d done something wrong.”

“You didn’t,” I said.

“We didn’t know that,” he said. “At least, we didn’t know it for a long time.”

“I’ve never blamed anyone for anything,” I said. “I just get nervous sometimes. Especially when there are a lot of people around. And I’ve never gotten used to strangers.”

“You afraid you’ll not hit the mark with anyone?” he asked.

“Maybe,” I said. “Peggy always said I was just born afraid.”

“Peggy was a good woman,” he said.

I thought about Peggy then. A few days before she left, we were lying in bed and listening to a light rain. “Things are going to be so much different,” she said. “Things are always different,” I said. She turned onto her side and stared at me. “What does that mean?” “Nothing,” I said.

My father shifted in his seat. “You still have that notebook?”

I handed the Rhodia to him.

“You write anything?” He leafed through some pages.

“Not much of a writer,” I said. “That’s another thing I had to do with that therapist—write things. She thought it would help me express my thoughts.”

“Did it?”

“Nope. But I made up a lot of stuff just to keep her happy.”

“There’s a lot of stuff in here,” he said. “Ophelia seems to have found a way to get people talking about things.” He read something, then he cleared his throat. “Here—Ophelia wrote this, too.” He handed me the notebook. “Read this.” He touched his finger on a short paragraph.

From Thoreau’s On Walden Pond

I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of the time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude. We are for the most part lonely when we go abroad among men than when we stay in our chambers. A man thinking or working is always alone, let him be where he will. Solitude is not measured by the miles of space that intervene between a man and his fellows.

“What do you think?” my father asked.

“Ophelia sounds lonely,” I said.

“That’s not Ophelia writing,” he said, “it’s Thoreau.”

“Still, Ophelia put it in here. It must have meant something to her.”

“Maybe,” my father said. “But if that’s what she believes, she’s not saying that she is lonely. She’s saying that it’s okay to be alone—that it is not the same as loneliness. And maybe a person can feel very lonely even when there’s a crowd of people around.”

“Maybe I should re-read it,” I said. “I feel like I’m missing something.”

My father stood up and stretched in the aisle. “I’ll be back. I’m going to go refill my flask.” He patted the pocket of his shirt.

“They don’t sell that on the train,” I said.

“I was a Boy Scout,” he said, “and I was prepared. I’ve got a half gallon of the stuff in your brother’s duffle bag. I just have to find your brother.”

When he was gone, I looked through the notebook and saw that though many of the passages were in different colors of ink and had been signed by different people, the penmanship was similar to Ophelia’s. The train lurched, and it seemed we had begun to move. Soon enough, though, we were motionless again, and I set off to find my father.

Warm Whiskey in a Cold Ditch: Installment #16

Miss Orange County

I have always found it somewhat odd that when I think of my ex-wife, I think of Peggy. I never think of my marriage to Ellen. Perhaps this is because Ellen and I were together for barely a year, and only six months into our marriage we both realized neither of us would ever be sober or sane enough to survive much longer sharing the same life. Ellen was closer to the bottom of things than I was at that point, but somewhere in our respective doldrums we recognized how bad things were.

“You’ll find someone else,” Peggy said as she packed her final box. I watched her hesitate as she considered taking a picture of the two of us standing on the Golden Gate Bridge. When she finally decided to leave it behind, I was more sad than angry.

“I don’t think I will,” I said. But I did. I had been working as a waiter in a small restaurant in Winnemucca, Nevada, and Ellen was a regular who always came in with a group of people who always seemed to be having fun. When Mario, my boss, told me that Ellen was a prostitute, I wasn’t bothered. I had stopped judging people years earlier.

Ellen and I started slowly, casually. After a six months of mutual flirtation, we took advantage of Nevada’s casual requirements for marriage and were married by one of her former clients, a married man who said he was sad to see Ellen trade lying on her back for less-honest work. Ellen got a job at the Ace Hardware store that was owned by another of her former clients who said he’d gotten too old for sex but still appreciated all Ellen had done for him over the years. “It’s not just sex men are looking for when they come to see me,” Ellen told me once.

Ellen was also a former Miss Orange County. “I thought I’d end up being Miss America,” she told me. It was her claim to fame, she said, since she’d won fair and square. “I’m not stupid, and it wasn’t easy. I worked hard for that title.” Ellen was the only person I had ever known who had even come that close to anything famous, even fame in a place as small as Orange County. "The closest thing to reality in that place is Disneyland. There were a lot of girls who wanted that title. Most of them were too blonde and too conservative in a year when the judges were looking for someone different, and being someone different isn't easy in Orange County. I was lucky—it was my year.” I felt special being with her knowing how hard she had worked to achieve something,

Then, though, during a quest for Miss California, she found out she was easier manipulated than she thought possible. “I slept with a couple of people involved with the pageant,” she said, “and I found that I liked sex and cocaine more than I liked winning beauty pageants. One thing led to another, and on a morning in September I found myself buying a house in Winnemucca. I gave up most of the cocaine but kind of enjoyed the sex.”

Our first couple of months together were great fun. Ellen stayed in touch with old friends and former clients, and we allowed each other to be more self-destructive than we might have been alone. Peggy and I had been down some bad roads, but we also found ways to say stop. But Ellen and I couldn’t do that, and it wasn’t long until we were both out of work when my restaurant closed and the Ace Hardware had enough of Ellen’s lack of dependability. If Ellen hadn’t had a bought-and-paid-for house, we would’ve been homeless. Somewhere in the middle of everything, though, we found the strength to divorce as easily as we’d gotten married. Ellen sold the house and moved to Colorado, and I went back to California. She left a message on my answering machine one night saying she was fine, that she had re-married and now had two step-children and had found God. She said she would pray for me, but that I was not to call her back.

The only person I did call after that was Peggy, who was working as a pre-school teacher in Port Angeles, Washington. She was single and going to college, and I told her I was proud of her. “I still miss you,” I said. I didn’t know if I should’ve have been proud of my two wives that they had worked their way back to their feet, or if I should be disappointed that I had not.

“It’s been a long time,” Peggy said.

“I never even told my family about Ellen,” I told her.

“Why are you telling me?” She sounded distracted.

“I thought you would be interested,” I said. “You were always interested in me, weren’t you?”

She was silent for a moment. “Yes,” she said. “Have you changed?”

“I like to think I have.”

“Ellen doesn’t like someone you would be involved with if you had changed.”

“Ellen’s gone now.”

“But she was there,” Peggy said. “You were married to her.”

“I’m not sure what you want me to say, Peggy.”

She was quiet again, and I did not know if she was even breathing. “I’m not sure, either. I don’t know if I should say anything. I’ve got a good life here now. Are you happy for me?”

“I have always been happy for you, Peggy.”

I wanted the train to move. More people had come into the observation car, and they all seemed anxious, perturbed. We all wanted to be moving, or at least to know why we were not. The air in the train seemed different—more stale and close. I didn’t like sitting still like this because without movement, I tended to dwell upon mistakes I had made or memories of people I had either (or both) loved or hurt. Part of me knew that I should be happy about being so close to my family, even my dead aunt and uncle.

When a group of small children pushed into the observation car and took seats around me, I left and returned to where my brother and I had been seated. My father, though, had taken my brother’s place. “Where’s Steven?” I asked as I sat beside my father.

“He went to talk to your cousin somewhere,” my father said. “I told him I’d keep his seat warm.”

“Any idea why we’re stuck here?” I asked.

“You didn’t have to come.”

“I mean, stuck wherever were stuck—why the train’s not moving.”

My father shook his head. “Nope.”

“We’ve got to get moving,” I said.

“We’ll probably stop again in Helper.” He had pulled out the route map. “That’s our next stop. Helper, Utah.”

“I know,” I said.

Warm Whiskey in a Cold Ditch: Installment #15

I wanted to sleep. I was suddenly quite weary of being on the train. I should have returned to sit next to my brother in a more comfortable seat, but experience told me that my desire to sleep would be over-ruled by my inability to do just that. "It's insomnia," a doctor had once told me when I'd complained about so many nights of sleeplessness. "It won't hurt you."

The train had stopped for nearly half an hour, and now it was barely moving, as if it felt the same anxiety about getting to Helper as I did. Earlier, a group of teenagers had giggled their way through the observation car, and I envied their ability to be so openly foolish. They had lingered for awhile before passing through to the next car and leaving silence to claim the space they left behind. I still clutched the Rhodia and my sister's pen, but I had not yet written anything despite all good intentions. As the train stopped again, I opened the notebook again, leafed past more of Ophelia's writings, and found something long, something to occupy me.

Words Like Love

After six hours of what started out to be aimless driving, I ended up in Bridgeport in front of a combination café and bar called Little Clancey’s, though I was probably headed there the moment I left home. The “Little” on the hand-painted sign had faded, but “Clancey’s” in red letters was bright in a sunrise diffused by thin clouds. I’d traveled through California’s dry central valley, then turned east through Yosemite and finally north on Highway 395, just like we sometimes do when we visit our daughter Becky and her husband Ron in Carson City. By the time I reached Mono Lake, the eastern sky was crimson and I knew that Bridgeport was just north and would be the place to stop.

All four windows of the Impala were open when I rolled onto the gravel in front of Clancy’s, and a cool breeze brushed gently against my bare arms. I used to drink a lot, and when I did every window in the house or car would be shut tightly. The voices, the ceaseless wind, the smells—everything used to bother me. Now, though, working my way through sobriety, I welcome the fresh air and keep at least one window open wherever I happen to be.

“You’ll catch cold,” Nora, my wife of twenty-five years, will say when I keep both bedroom windows open all night even in winter.

“Viruses cause colds,” I tell her as she pulls the heavy quilt closer to her wide chin, “not open windows or even getting your feet wet.” But after awhile she’ll get up and shut the windows, caught up in one of my old habits.

I sat in the Impala and thought that Nora would be wondering where I had gone. She’d given up actually worrying years earlier, when I was drunk most of the time and hardly found my way home anyway.

“You could call me if you’re not coming home,” she would plead. “A little respect is all I ask. Just the smallest bit of consideration. Is that too much?”

It was too much, as far as I was concerned at that point in my life, in our marriage. “I’m an adult,” I’d tell her. “I don’t have to check in with you.”

We went on like that until one day Nora quit asking questions. But she would always wonder, even when I left the house last night with her yelling at me. We’d been watching television and a beer commercial came on. I told her that a beer would taste good, a nice cold beer in chilled mug, just like on television.

“A what?” Nora said very quietly. “God damn you, Brian. You go this long without a drink and after all that’s happened and you can still say it so easily, as if it meant nothing to either one of us?”

“I didn’t say I wanted one,” I said loudly. “I just said it would taste good.” I looked down at the worn carpeting in front of the couch, where our feet spend so much time.

And then she yelled about how my father had been drunk for so long that nearly his whole liver was eaten away by the time he died. About how close my drinking had come to killing both her and me, that if she hadn’t been in the car on my last birthday I surely would have died. She stopped yelling when she ran out of breath. Her chest was heaving beneath her lightweight pink blouse. Nora’s eyes were dark with disappointment like they were after Sam Tinker threw me the surprise birthday party, when she came to see me at the hospital. It was two days after I’d lost control of the Ford wagon we owned and Nora and I went bouncing into a large stand of aspens.

“Jesus Christ,” Nora had said after pulling me from the car and cradling my face in her hands. She got only a few scratches across her chin, but I caught the steering wheel with my sternum and then the dashboard with my forehead. For months afterward it hurt even to breathe.

Lying on the grass, I’d looked up at her, feeling her kiss my mouth time after time. Everything was confused, but I didn’t know if it was because of the accident or the pitcher of martinis I’d helped Sam drink earlier that night. It was raining, and drops of cool water were falling from Nora’s hair onto my face. Then everything turned a dark purple and I shut my eyes as Nora’s voice disappeared.

After Nora finally got her breath back last night, she stood from the couch and started in on me again, using words like responsibility and trust and love. So I took my keys from their hook beneath the phone in the kitchen, and I walked out the front door, letting her yell from the front porch as I started the car and left. At the Shell station I filled the Impala and got a cup of coffee, then drove away.

When I stepped into Clancey’s, Maureen was doing the beer orders for the week; I was the only one in the place. I’d met her years earlier, one of the times I’d driven alone to see Becky. Nora travels on her job selling pharmaceuticals to hospitals, so sometimes when she is away I wander. This morning I asked Maureen if she remembered me, but when she said she wasn’t sure, I told her that it made no difference.

Maureen had dark, curly hair and the smooth facial features—thick cheekbones and a mouth burned down at the edges—that I’d found myself falling love with for as long as I could remember. She reminded me of a waitress, a good dancer, that I’d known when I was in the Navy. But then, it seems every woman I’ve either had or desired has reminded me of someone else or the lover before.

“Why’d you come back?” Maureen asked when she filled our mugs with coffee. One coffee pot had DECAFFEINATED stenciled on it in bright orange letters. Some of the letters were partially scratched away, as if the pot had been in use for a long time.

“Restlessness,” I said, wondering if I should say that maybe it was because of her that I’d stopped there.

“How does your wife feel about that?” She gestured with her mug toward my ring finger.

“She understands.” I looked at the ring and tried to think of the last time I’d taken it off.

“You mean, she puts up with it.” She looked at me as if she’d heard lies from men for a long time.

I left the bar after two mugs of coffee, after Maureen got busy with other customers. Wandering around town until lunchtime, I finally stopped at Cleo’s Drive-In, where I ate a chicken-breast sandwich at one of the redwood picnic tables. I watched Maureen come out of the bar across the street, walking toward Cleo’s. She smiled when she noticed me.

“Still restless?” She said after ordering at the walk-up window. Her hair was neat and her legs thin, and I knew that she was the type of woman who took care of herself.

“Yeah,” I said. The Sawtooth Ridge was visible over her shoulder.

“At least you’re eating,” Maureen said. “I haven’t had a customer so early on a Saturday for quite some time.”

“I like coffee after a long drive,” I told her.

She took a bag from the girl at the window just as I finished my sandwich. “You feel better, now that you’ve eaten?”

“I feel good,” I said. “I feel almost....” I paused and looked up at the gray, ragged Sawtooth, trying to think of the right word, the right feeling.

“Almost what?”

“Almost human,” is what I told her. It was the most fitting word I could think of.

She nodded slowly, then followed my gaze up to the Sawtooth. “It’s going to rain. Come over later and I’ll buy you a beer.”

“Thanks,” I said, again thinking that a beer would taste good.

Maureen smiled as she turned and walked back to Clancey’s. I sat at the table and stared at the mountains. The ridge was high, nearly eleven-thousand feet, and I had spent a lot of time hiking in the area when I was younger. Below the ridge itself was Matterhorn Canyon, where a combination of ignorance and exhaustion almost killed me and Sam Tinker both. Just as after the car wreck, it was an experience that left me changed, though it changed me into someone who drank heavily. Though I never figured out why, it was after that when I started believing that nothing I did in life mattered. Most people would have reacted differently, but I just stopped caring about a lot of things.

After Maureen left, I decided to drive to Carson City after all. Becky always appreciates it when her mom and I visit, since she’s so far away from us. She and Ron have a small hardware store, and more than once I’ve helped them stock conduit or boxes and bins of nails.

“Oh, Daddy,” Becky said when I called her from a payphone at Cleo’s. “We’re just on our way out. We need some stuff from a warehouse in Reno, so we’re making a long weekend of it.”

“That’s fine, Becky,” I said, and it really was. “Enjoy the weekend. Maybe Mom and I will drive up next month.” If I had told her how far I had driven that morning, she might have changed her mind.

“Give her my love,” Becky said, and I told her I would.

I hung up the phone and looked at clouds covering the Sawtooth and thought back to when Sam and I got caught in the autumn snowstorm and nearly didn’t make it out. We were carrying neither a tent nor warm clothing, and for a full day we huddled around a small fire and waited for the storm to pass. We never told anyone about it, either, because we knew we’d been fools for being so unprepared. But several times in the years that followed, when Nora and I weren’t even talking to each other, I thought that the mountains might have been the place to die when I had the chance.

The wind had grown colder, and the clouds had dropped over Bridgeport. I smelled rain as I pulled my windbreaker from the Impala’s trunk. When I got back to Clancey’s for the last mug of coffee, Maureen wasn’t surprised when I said I was leaving.

“I had a feeling you would be,” she said. Her hands were wet from washing glasses in the small sink behind the bar. “I could still buy you a beer.”

“I have a long drive,” I told her. “But I might be back, if you want to save it for me.”

She smiled, showing teeth that were white and straight. “You’ll be back,” she said, though I wasn’t sure how she meant it. I stared at her, but she turned away before I could tell her that she probably was right.

I got home late that night after driving slowly through rain most of the way. The weather didn’t break until I stopped at a mini-mart to buy cherry Lifesavers. Outside the store I saw stars winking through small gaps between clouds sliding across the sky.

As I parked the Chevy in the driveway, I slipped a Lifesaver beneath my tongue. Candy had once been a way to hide the smell of what I’d been drinking, but now it just tasted good. When I stepped quietly into the house, I let the last sliver of a Lifesaver drop down my throat. Nora was watching television, and I smelled her lilac perfume, my favorite, as soon as I shut the door behind me.

“You came home.” She didn’t look up. Her feet were propped up on the large footstool we’d bought just a week earlier.

“Yeah. I had some things to work out.” I took off my shoes and wiggled my toes on the carpet.

“We were supposed to go to dinner,” she said, and I noticed then how she was dressed up, still expecting to go out. That was why she was wearing perfume. “We were supposed to eat at someplace nice, and that’s all I’ve been waiting for. I thought you’d be home, so I never cancelled the reservation.”

I didn’t remember anything about dinner, but I didn’t doubt her. “Tomorrow,” I told her. “I forgot. I’m sorry. We’ll do it tomorrow and make it special.”

“Have you been drinking? You’re eating candy.” It was the first time she looked at me since I’d come into the house, and her stare was cold.

“I’ve been driving,” I said, fingering the single remaining Lifesaver in my pocket, wondering how she had noticed the candy from twelve feet away. I thought that even after twenty-five years of marriage it would be nice to have at least one secret, to have something that Nora did not know.

“Nice way for you to show your love for me,” she said plainly. “Skipping dinner for getting drunk. You could have called and then at least I could have eaten here. I could have fixed something instead of sitting here and waiting.”

“I do love you,” I told her. “And I’m not drunk.” But she’d been drinking—a half-full bottle of gin and a glass with ice were on the floor beside the couch. I wondered about the Sawthooth, about whether the ridge was now covered with snow. And I wondered about Maureen and her beer orders, even about what she’d bought for lunch at Cleo’s.

Nora had tried to hide the gin, and I wanted to say that it didn’t matter to me what she did or whether she believed that I was sober. I didn’t care if she was drunk then or drunk for the rest of her life.

“You do love me?” she asked. “You do?” She wasn’t convinced. But she was drunk and nothing would matter by morning. Her perfume was strong, and I wanted it to be stronger yet, to envelope me and the house and all that I knew in its silky embrace.

“I do,” I said, “I really do. You’re a princess.” I thought then that one day soon I would tell her about nearly being frozen in the mountains, about what that experience had done to me.

“Yeah?” She came over to me and took my hand, holding it to the side of her face.

“Yeah,” I said, and I sat down beside her to watch television.